Tattoos conjure up arresting scenarios

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Tattoos conjure up arresting scenarios
August 29, 2010
Joe Blundo
Columbus Dispatch

My favorite news story of last week was about the Columbus police brass ordering officers to cover their visible tattoos.

In a city where people have been shooting one another at a brisk pace, the directive might strike some folks as a trifle.

As one perplexed officer asked, “This is something they decided to bring up now?”

Indeed, I was having trouble understanding how having “Mom” inscribed on your triceps detracts from crime-fighting ability until I put my imagination to work.

I’ve constructed some police reports illustrating how skin adorned by anchors, hearts and butterflies could interfere with law enforcement:
Report No. 1

On the above date, Suspect was observed driving in an erratic fashion at the above location. Upon stopping Suspect, Officer noticed slurred speech and an odor of alcohol.

Suspect noticed Officer’s visible tattoo of a Celtic symbol.

Suspect then declared that he and Officer were “kin” and tried to hug Officer. Officer ordered Suspect to cease hugging activity immediately.

Suspect ignored the order. Suspect offered Officer a slug of Old Grand-Dad from his hip flask. Suspect proposed that their families spend Christmas Eve together. Suspect was charged with driving while intoxicated, reckless operation and failure to respect social boundaries.
Report No. 2

Upon responding to a burglary call at the above location, Officer observed Suspects 1 and 2 leaving the scene on foot with a large TV set. Suspects began running when Officer approached.

Officer apprehended Suspects, who stated that the TV set was theirs.

Asked why he was running, Suspect 1 said he had an allergy to flowers and feared that Officer’s rose tattoo would trigger a dangerous bout of sneezing.

Suspect 2 said the tattoo reminded him he had forgotten his anniversary and that he was running home to apologize.
Report No. 3

Victim stated that Suspect threw a rock through his store window at the above location.

Officer apprehended Suspect.

Suspect, apparently inspired by Officer’s skull-and-crossbones tattoo, said he would answer questions only if a pirate were present. Suspect was transported to jail and beaten by fellow inmates for repeatedly addressing them as “me hearties.”
Report No. 4

Officer was dispatched to the above location on a report of a shootout between neighbors.

When Officer arrived, bystanders stated that the exchange of gunfire was prompted by an argument over whether 2010 would be the greatest season in Ohio State football history or merely the greatest season since 1968.

Bystander 1 observed Officer’s University of Michigan tattoo and stated, “Dude, you might want to call for backup.”

Officer requested an emergency “Block O” cheek tattoo from Ink Squad.

After the application, both Suspects were arrested without incident.